# Customer service
They say I imagine saying I actually say
“Do you have a computer free?” “Actually, we have about 27 computers free.” “Sure, help yourself.”
“Can I have a screen, please?” “Sure. Would you like a mouse and a keyboard too?” “Sure, help yourself.”
“Can we have two terminals, please?” “No, we only have fully-fledged computers. More fool us, eh.” “Sure, help yourself.”
“Can we have two Internets, please?” “There Can Be Only One Internet.” “Sure, help yourself.”
“Can I just jump on a computer?” “Actually, we’d prefer if you sat on the chairs provided.” “Sure, help yourself.”
“Can I check my Hotmail?” “You poor, unfortunate creature. Why aren’t you using Yahoo Mail instead?” “Sure, help yourself.”
“Can I go on the Web, as well as checking my e-mail?” “Actually, you’re doing your e-mail on the Web already.” “Sure, help yourself.”
“Do you have any scrap paper?” “Yes, it’s in that tray labelled ‘Scrap paper — please help yourself’.” “Sure, help yourself.”
“Do I just … [neverending pause]” “Do you just what?” “Yes.”
“I turned off the computer when I finished.” “What the smeg did you smegging do that for?” “Okay.”
“What time do you close?” “We close after I’ve worked twelve hours straight and lost all feeling in my legs.” “We close at eight o’clock.”
Posted on 12/12/03; 5:03:04 PM